My accountant is going to be excited this tax season, because I’ve made his job SO EASY. Surely, mine will be the easiest tax return he completes. After all, my accountant is my husband, a corporate tax guy, and he only completes two returns: mine and his. When we first started dating, I asked him to do two years’ worth of my taxes, because I was “between accountants” the prior year, meaning that I was not dating one for the first time in my adult life (I really like accountants. I’m not sure what this says about me).
In any case, I’ve made his job easy because in 2018, I made a grand sum of (gasp!) zero dollars. Zero, zilch, nada, nothing. This is a tough pill for me to swallow. The truth is, I’ve always been a confident person but it wasn’t until I lost my income that I realized how much of my self-worth had become tied up in my income. An income is so tangible! Every pay raise and bonus was an indication of my own personal success, and a confirmation that I was contributing positively to my organization.
So here I am, back down to zero dollars, after completing my first full year as a stay at home parent. My blog is about feeling at home in your own life, but it’s definitely taken me a while to feel at home in my new role!

So, how do I value myself now? It certainly can’t be based on the praise of my children. My kids love me, but they’re kids and they’re fickle. One day, you’re great; the next day, they’re making Daddy a birthday card saying they “love you more than Mommy.” So, that’s out. And it can’t be based on my husband’s view of me, either. Most of the value that I bring to our family is invisible, and is therefore hard to specifically praise. It would be disingenuous for him to praise my mediocre cooking and cleaning “skills,” and frankly, it would belittle what I actually contribute around here.
Amelia at age 2 Amelia’s birthday card to Dana last week
I guess that leaves me at the cheesy-but-true revelation that my worth can’t be based on external factors like money, or praise from people around me. What a liberating revelation, because now I can do things that I value. I started French Club for Amelia and her friends, because I value friendships and language skills. I teach Sunday school because I value my faith and want others to learn about it. I started a blog because I believe there’s value in discussion, and that it binds us together to learn about each other. Sometimes (probably too often), I do nothing productive, choosing instead to hang out with my family, because I value spending time together. And I ski, because…well, I love it.
We all value different things, but we all have worth. Here’s to another year of finding self-worth in new ways!

PS – Even though I’m working on intrinsic value, I still love when you take the time to share my blog post!
Great point of view,Sarah. Wish I read this when I was a stay at home mom!! I enjoy your blog and all the pictures!! Looking back,I do not regret that I stayed home for fourteen years with my girls. In the blink of an eye, they are asking for the car keys…and off they go!!! Happy New Years.
Thank you, Elizabeth! All parenting roles are hard but I think many of us who stay at home struggle to find a tangible worth to what we do. Thank you for always reading my blog!
What a lovely post! It’s so hard to start to value ourselves, rather than judging ourselves by others’ standards. I still struggle with this! I realized the other day that the last time I had a full years’ salary was 2010!! This year, with all the kids in school, I’m taking on my heaviest work load since then, which means I *do* need to find an accountant again! 🙂 It’s a big transition, to go from full-time to stay-at-home; congratulations on your year & all the fabulous things to come in 2019!
Thank you so much for your thoughts, Jenna! And best of luck with your transition back to the work force. The great thing about not having our self-worth tied to our income is that we can choose when paid work best suits our lifestyle. Work can still bring so much self-fulfillment, which is different than intrinsic value.
I can totally relate! Being on mat leave and not bringing in any money hasn’t felt the greatest for me either!!
Mat leave is a tough one because your life is turned upside down in so many ways! I still miss the luxuries my income used to afford our family, but the main thing is to make sure we aren’t mixing up our own self-worth with a monetary figure.
This is a great piece and so important. It took me a long time to realize that wiping butts and carrying kids to bed was valuable, that it was a job I did well, and that it was just as important as the winning of bread and bringing of bacon. Parent identity is SO HARD but you’ve got this. And you’re doing a great job.
You make it sound so glamorous lol! But you’re right: there is value in all of that. Thank you for your words of encouragement. We have so much to learn from you, Mike!
Well said, sister ❤️
Thank you, Sister!
Love this post Sarah! I agree whole-heartedly with you and am struggling as well to see my “worth” when I’m not contributing financially to the family. But at the same time, I look at it as just another stage in my life. Who knows what the next stage will look like, so I’m just going to enjoy it for now.
Isn’t it interesting that even confident women like you or me would struggle with this, just because of a lack of income? It’s good to have self-awareness about it! Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Great post Sarah! As always, sharing your truth authentically. It’s so true that once you stop working for a period, you are forced to see how much your self worth and identity was linked to your job title, salary, organization, etc. Very relatable and well written. Love you and miss you.
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Thank you for this huge compliment, Trishna. You and I have had some pretty great discussions on this, and I think you’d agree with me that part of the issue is societal. There is, at least in part, a societal pressure to generate an income in order to prove your worth!
Very relatable! I felt the same in my year of being a stay-at-home-mom (which as you know, I failed at – miserably). The difference between you and me? I didn’t talk about it. And maybe, MAYBE, that’s why I failed. You are worth far more than your income! Keep up the great work!
Thank you for these kind words, Christy.Also, as far as I know, your kids are alive and thriving, so you didn’t totally fail!